Mothering
A picture of my mother & her mother behind her.
Originally written May 9th, 2021 and published in Hail Marys.
“A woman becomes a responsible parent when she stops being an obedient daughter.” —Glennon Doyle
I vividly remember reading this line from Untamed for the first time, sitting outside my parents’ home after moving back to Indiana a couple weeks before. It felt so appropriate — an affirmation and a preparation. Chances are I texted it to Lainie immediately.
I’ve been mothering myself while living under the same roof as my mother this year. Protecting the life I’ve created, all that I’m still creating. It hasn’t been easy on either of us.
And how could it?
After everything our mothers have done for us, they watch us go off and make our own choices, walk down our own paths, be our own people?
I imagine the letting go is brutal. That it might feel more like betrayal and abandonment and that it’s scary as hell.
And what about for us daughters? All of a sudden we’re in charge of our own destinies, learning to trust the sound of our own voices, looking within our own selves for the answers?
There’s grief on both sides, that I know for sure.
It’s funny, though — I’ve actually never felt like I’m honoring my mother more than I am now.
Her strength, her resilience, her tenderness, her independence, her take-absolutely-no-shit attitude. Her giant smile and leggy legs.
It’s just that I’m also honoring myself, including the parts of me that don’t look a thing like my mother. The parts that will take her some getting used to.
So today I celebrate my mom and I celebrate me, too. I celebrate every mother who’s birthed Love out into the world in one way or another — through their incredible body, or their music, through their work, or even their brand new self.
French Chocolate Cake Recipe
Julia Child’s Queen of Sheba Cake passed down from my Grandma Norma Jean.
Ingredients
1/2 cup unsalted butter
2/3 cup sugar
3 egg yolks
2/3 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
2 tablespoons rum
1/3 cup ground almonds
1 teaspoon almond extract
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
3 egg whites
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
2/3 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
6 tablespoons unsalted butter
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I often credit Sophie Strand for sharing the concept of composting — beyond the material, including belief systems, experiences, stories, myths — as well as this crucial phrase, “No one is coming to save us, everyone is coming to save everyone.” I cannot wait to discuss her wisdom together.
As I’ve been reading Sophie’s book, a poem I began years ago resurfaced and I picked it back up again:
PARTNERS
The Earth doesn’t need us to save her
She needs us to save ourselves
And when we do
Respect, care, and reciprocal relationship
Where she can thrive
Will come naturally too
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My mom’s maiden name is written on this vinyl that’s now part of my collection — “Cindy Ewers.” I’ve always really loved that.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“I am my mother, but I’m not.
I am my grandmother, but I’m not.
I am my great-grandmother, but I’m not.”