Lilith
…Months later I came across the story of Lilith.
Due to the two differing creation stories, one being man and woman created together and the other Eve created second, the Jewish tradition decided Adam had a first wife named Lilith. And that when he wished to lie on top of her, she refused, and was banished from Eden. Eve was then created from his rib. Lilith was cast as a demon, many claiming she was the serpent who would later speak with Eve.
Of course, serpents were also an ancient symbol of wisdom, feminine power, and sexual energy. So there’s that.
Since she wasn’t written into the myth until centuries later, the more I read about Lilith, the more I saw comments like, “Disregard her, she’s not real.” And it made me ache, almost as much as the misogynistic narratives. Because her presence has been so felt in my life. But then eventually, it set me free. Here’s what I mean.
Lilith was made up to explain the kind of woman who would rather be exiled than be treated as less than. The kind of woman who takes no shit. Who will release anything that doesn’t honor the whole of her. She will leave. She will let you leave.
This kind of woman has zero interest in abiding by societal expectations. Roles. Scripts. She follows her pleasure. She’s bored by perfection. She embraces her shadow. She knows how completely complete she already is without the approval of another.
This kind of woman is grounded, she is connected to her intuition, she takes up space and she uses her voice.
She cannot be controlled. Period.
And somebody went, “Ah, yes, this woman is wicked.”
They tied the idea of a woman refusing domination to being a demon. So when one carries her essence, she’s considered the same.
But here’s the thing — she’s not real. At least, not the version of her they created.
Every time I say things like:
“I know what’s best for myself.”
“You’re not allowed to speak to me like that.”
“This doesn’t work for me.”
“Stop hitting on me, you’re making me uncomfortable.”
“I need more.”
“No.”
And I’m mistaken for some kind of villain — that woman doesn’t exist. She’s not me.
But she is the part of me that knows my inherent worth and equality to all living creatures — certainly to men.
She’s the part that knows the pain and the rage of being neglected, betrayed, misunderstood, taken for granted, and excluded in a patriarchal system. And the part that knows I deserve better.
What I’ve learned from Lilith — and the energy she commands — are the same lessons I’ve learned from Mother Earth herself. From the mud. So that’s who she’s become to me.
The way I’d always seen it before, Eve was the Earth before Eve was a woman. Now to put it another way, Eve was Lilith. Every Divine seed was born from her womb. Adam does mean “son of the red Earth” after all.
See, Lilith was no monster — we’ve just been taught to fear much of what she contains. Chaos, mystery, mess, eros, change, complexity, void, defiance, death.
An untamed and unashamed being.
One that lovingly demands our respect — knowing that being in right relationship means steadfast reciprocity of care and devotion. It means interdependence. Mutual growth.
In its absence, everyone suffers.
Lilith needed humankind to get this. She needed Adam and Eve to travel through their own underworlds to embody the truths found in her depths.
So were they created together or was Eve created from Adam’s rib? Well, both can be true.
Like midwives to each other, him coming into form meant her coming into form, too. And this pattern would continue.
When Eve, being the Earth and having a womb of her own, innately understood there was more to life than what she could see. That God was not an authority outside of her but something she held within. And this dark, hidden nature was nothing to be scared of because it’s how we all get here. It’s who we all are. So she went first. She listened to her curiosity. She ate the apple. And she offered it to Adam, giving him the choice to do the same.
“The land knows you, even when you are lost.”
—Robin Wall Kimmerer, Braiding Sweetgrass
“Cultures of domination rely on the cultivation of fear to ensure obedience.”
—bell hooks, All About Love
”Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth... Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”
—bell hooks, All About Love
“All over the world people live in intimate daily contact with one another. They wash together, eat and sleep together, face challenges together, share joy and sorrow. The rugged individual who relies on no one else is a figure who can only exist in a culture of domination where a privileged few use more of the world’s resources than the many who must daily do without. Worship of individualism has in part led us to the unhealthy culture of narcissism that is so all pervasive in our society.”
—bell hooks, All About Love
“Your no makes the way for your yes. Boundaries create the container within which your yes is authentic. Being able to say no makes yes a choice.”
“All too often women believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm’s way.”
-bell hooks, All About Love
“Self-love is risky for women within patriarchy.
Females are rewarded more when we experience
ourselves and act as though we are flawed, insecure,
or especially dependent and needy. A woman who
does not learn how first to fulfill her psychological
needs for acceptance will always operate from a space
of lack. This psychic state will make her vulnerable to
unhealthy relationships. Although it is risky, when we
are self-loving, our growing contentment and personal
power sustains us when we are rejected or punished
for refusing to follow conventional sexist rules.”
—bell hooks, Sisterhood
“In the dominator model the pursuit of external power, the ability to manipulate and control others, is what matters most. When culture is based on a dominator model, not only will it be violent but it will frame all relationships as power struggles.”
—bell hooks
“Human beings have been destroying the earth’s natural ability to make her own decisions for centuries, and she is beginning to let us know that our actions have harmful consequences.”
“Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings — all in the same relationship.”
—Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves
“There is no one a wildish woman loves better than a mate who can be her equal.”
—Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves
“Having a lover/friend who regards you as a living growing criatura, being, just as much as the tree from the ground, or a ficus in the house, or a rose garden out in the side yard... having a lover and friends who look at you as a true living breathing entity, one that is human but made of very fine and moist and magical things as well... a lover and friends who support the criatura in you... these are the people you are looking for. They will be the friends of your soul for life. Mindful choosing of friends and lovers, not to mention teachers, is critical to remaining conscious, remaining intuitive, remaining in charge of the fiery light that sees and knows.”
—Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves
“If any female feels she need anything beyond herself to legitimate and validate her existence, she is already giving away her power to be self-defining, her agency.”
—bell hooks, Feminism is for Everybody
“In the Mars-and-Venus-gendered universe, men want power
and women want emotional attachment and connection.
On this planet nobody really has the opportunity to know love
since it is power and not love that is the order of the day.
The privilege of power is at the heart of patriarchal thinking.
Girls and boys, men and women who have been taught this way
almost always believe love is not important, or if it is, it is never as important
as being powerful, dominant, in control, on top-being right.
Women who give seemingly selfless adoration and care to
the men in their lives appear to be obsessed with love, but in actuality
their actions are often a covert way to hold power.
Like their male counterparts, they enter relationships speaking
the words of love even as their actions indicate
that maintaining power and control is their primary agenda.”
—bell hooks, All About Love
“I have always wanted to be both man and woman, to incorporate the strongest and richest parts of my mother and father within/into me — to share my valleys and mountains upon my body the way the earth does in hills and peaks.”
—Audre Lorde, Zami
“If we deny and mistreat our physical bodies, we tend to deny and mistreat the body of Mother Earth. When we begin to reverence the body as the container of the soul, finding a deep reverence for the Holy within creation is not far behind.”
“Love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect and trust.”
—bell hooks, Communion
“The heartbeat of our alternative vision is still a fundamental and necessary truth: there can be no love when there is domination… The vision of relationships where everyone’s needs are respected, where everyone has rights, where no one need fear subordination or abuse, runs counter to everything patriarchy upholds about the structure of relationships.”
—bell hooks, Feminism is for Everybody